It’s childish and unnecessarily spiteful to hate someone you’ve never met, but I’m sorry, Michael Bublé sucks. It’s around now that the self-appointed patron saint of Christmas wages his war on the senses with his tepid elevator muzak. Essentially making it the worst time of the year. 

There’s also the rampant consumerism and crowds that’s fueling this Grinch’s burning dislike of the season. But above all else, we need to stop associating Michael Bublé with Christmas because he’s the rotten cherry on the really inedible fruitcake.

Do not mistake Bublé’s music for soulfulness. He is covering the right songs and projecting the right vibe, but this man is no Bing Crosby. His veneer of effortless style masks his limited range and lack of creativity. 

 

Here’s a man who claims that he wants to stop being associated with Christmas after the lingering popularity of his 2011 seasonal album wildly named Christmas. Yet he chooses to headline Christmas holiday specials, as well as continue to make songs for the season.   

Michael Bublé is bland white bread packing empty carbs with little nutrition in a world of whole grain, flax seed, oat and rye bread. As a society, we’re worth more than white bread. 

It’s time to put this karaoke singer to rest and start associating these things with Christmas instead. 

Mariah Carey should be the only Christmas royalty we recognise 

 

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All I want for Christmas is Mariah Carey on loop. It might be a disservice to her incredible career spanning mega hits across 20 years to simply drill her down as the Queen of Christmas. But it’s physically impossible for shoulders to stop twitching once the dragged out “I….” kicks off this iconic Christmas bob. If anyone deserves the title of Christmas royalty, it’s Mariah, who will keep the hearth warm with her fiyah

KFC makes for a ho-ho-hot and spicy Christmas

 

KFC’s busiest day in Japan is usually December 24, where they’re more likely to sell about five to ten times more than regular days. That’s because the Japanese have a tradition of having Kentucky for Christmas where party buckets are enjoyed over a family meal on the eve. We’ve inculcated a love for anime, manga and Japanese food into our regular lives. May we learn from them and start embracing the Colonel for Christmas. 

Making Gremlins our go-to Christmas movie 

Some movies were made for the season while others like Home Alone or Love Actually become associated with it because of the setting. There’s so much ‘good’ vibes and expectations associated with Christmas and since I’m playing the part of the Grinch, here’s a reminder that the latter is the mother of all disappointment. 

 

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Gremlins keeps it real by having a main character’s dad die because was emulating Santa Claus and trying to go down the chimney. Except he fell and broke his neck while executing the surprise. Oh, and they found his body five days after when they smelled something burning after starting the fireplace. 

 

Christmas is a bloodbath of toxic positivity, y’all. Gremlins reminds us to have fun without getting caught up with the excessive fluff. And Michael Bublé is the wispiest of cotton candy.

Fruitcakes are a better match Christmas match than Bublé

It’s the rare person who likes fruitcakes. They are the laughing stock of the Christmas table and late-night talk show host Johnny Carson nailed our feelings about it with his quip that “there is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.”  

 

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Yet even with the global mutual dislike, fruitcakes deserve to be ranked higher on the things associated with Christmas than Michael f*cking Bublé. The sweet, sticky texture may not be for everyone but the fruits and nuts in it at least pack a nutritional punch. 

The same cannot be said for the Canadian crooner who is more like a patch of oil in a body of water. Run into it and you’re left with a coat of greasiness that isn’t easy to wash off. 

In summary, Christmas sucks. But Michael Bublé sucks more. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk and hope to count you in this anti-Christmas and anti-Bublé movement.