“Hey, didn’t you know he’s dating that girl now?”
That one line was like a smack in the face. I hadn’t seen it coming at all. What made it worse was that he was my BFF. Shouldn’t we be telling each other things like this? But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense.
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Sometime in the middle of last year, my male bff stopped talking to me. In hindsight, it was obvious that it was because he got attached. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t tell me or should stop talking to me altogether!
If you’re reading this because you’re in a pickle like this, here’s how I overcame it and still kept my friendship with my male BFF. The last thing you want to do is seem like you’re coming in between your male BFF and their boo, so let me help you figure out what’s going on and what to do!
Why My Male BFF Stopped Talking To Me
Before I tell you practical ways to maintain your friendship, here’s what I did. I considered for a moment: Why my male BFF stopped talking to me?
1. The Love Triangle
Relationships between a guy and a girl can be platonic, whether you believe it or not. But more often than not, it usually leads to a romantic relationship.
But I had to dive deep—where were my BFF and I on the friendship spectrum? Was there a possibility that our platonic friendship is one-sided?
See, people usually get a hunch if they think their partner has liked someone before. Girls are especially sensitive about these things—we just know. Perhaps his new S.O. sensed it and wanted him to nip it in the bud.
2. He Got Tired of Waiting
This relates a little back to the previous point. Some best friends play the long game and flirt but always keep their distance to maintain the friendship. If that was you and him, there’s a chance he wanted something more from your friendship, but found it somewhere else.
If thinking about the possibility of this bothers you a lot though, maybe it’s time to ask yourself too; did you even remotely like him in THAT way? Now that he’s dating someone, it is only natural for him to focus on his girlfriend instead of you.
3. Sis, She Said No
This theory is more straightforward. In the case that you both really are platonic, perhaps the missus is just facing some early-relationship insecurities and doubted his intentions with you.
4. The Honeymoon Phase
It’s easy to get really sensitive about this, especially if the both of you were really tight. It sucks that he’s always with her and you’re left alone when you both used to spend so much time hanging out.
But before you jump the gun and accuse him of neglecting you, remember they’re in the ‘honeymoon’ phase. You know when the love bug bites and the pair can’t get enough of each other? Give them some time and space.
5. He’s Busy
Relationships take a lot of time to build, and sometimes the only reason why your male BFF stopped talking to you is that he is simply just busy.
He will most likely text or respond to her first before getting to your text. Often, friends would bring their significant others to their social meets to kill two birds with one stone. Be a little more patient and don’t get so tense wondering if your friendship is still alive because it is—it’s just taking a backseat for a while!
How To Resolve This
I get it if you can’t figure out an answer for his behaviour. It’s always confusing and hurtful when a close friend suddenly leaves you on ‘read’. But if it’s a relationship you’re willing to fight for, then it’s time for some uncomfortable truths.
1. Communication Is Key
If he’s stopped replying to your texts and DMs on social media, it’s safe to say he may be doing it out of respect for his girlfriend. I, too, got angry when this happened to me, because, hello? Weren’t we friends who respected each other?
Image credit: Jessica Da Rosa
But don’t do what I did. Which was… to initially scout our other closest friends for tea on why he was avoiding me. Most of the time my intel would inform me that he constantly just said he was busy. At the time, I was like, busy with what?
However, after feeling restless about it for a few weeks, I decided to confront him and lay it all out. Turns out, it wasn’t as bad as I thought! He apologised saying he hadn’t realised that I was feeling this way. He was also glad that I talked to him about it instead of shutting him off!
So, the best choice is to always communicate and not overreact. Be ready to feel slightly left out sometimes since they just started dating. It’s purely unintentional; they just want some time to explore their new relationship.
2. Get To Know Her
Maybe instead of trying to get him to be on your side, you get to know her instead!
Image credit: Brooke Cagle
Remember why you like and trust your best friend. Since he chose you as his best friend, chances are he is also pretty competent in choosing a nice girl to date. It’s very likely that he chose someone who was first his friend, before becoming his girlfriend. That means that YOU might just like her too!
Don’t be too quick to say, “Nah, she ain’t someone I’d hang with.” Make plans to hang out with her, or both of them. Put in effort to get to know her better with your Q’s: Are you an only child? What songs do you listen to?
However, don’t force it. If you can’t naturally hold a conversation with her the first time you two meet, it probably means you haven’t found something in common! It usually takes more than just one meetup to get to know someone, so let’s not put too much pressure on yourself.
Say you both tried your best but still can’t vibe, that’s totally okay! If the both of you got on the wrong foot, just remember that you may be his ‘BFF’ but you can’t decide who he dates.
Putting in the effort to get to know her will make both of them feel better. He can be more at ease about you two getting along, and she knows that you are no threat to her. In fact, she can see you as her ally. Now, you can all go on double dates together!
3. Trust In Your BFF
Your friendship doesn’t have to cease to exist when your male best friend has a girlfriend. You can still spend time together. But, ease your expectations on getting ‘equal’ attention or time from him. Try to be understanding when he spent last week with his girlfriend, and only a couple of days this week with you.
With that said, it’s important to remember that every relationship, including your friendship, is a two-way street. It needs to be clear that now that he’s got a girlfriend, you are not dispensable as a friend.
For example, if you had made plans to hang out, but he backed out at the last minute, you have the right to be annoyed. Let them have their alone-time if they’re going through a rough day.
Think about it: if you were put in the same situation, you would want your S.O. to comfort you, and the first person you think of would probably be your S.O.
Don’t Be Mad About It
With all that said, be willing to lend an ear! Your BFF’s relationship may go through a few rough patches like any other couple, and he’d need his best friend (read: YOU) as support. Sure, you may get tired of listening to him, but you know he’d do the same for you.
All in all, if everything you have done and more still amounts to zero progress or communication, it’s time to swallow the bitter truth. He either only saw you as a chapter in his life, or was talking to you because he hoped to get some.
A different theory would be that every time he gets a girlfriend, he goes totally MIA. If that’s the case, time to cut those strings and fly away, boo!