I briefly dated a guy once who was quite heavily endowed. The first time I saw it, my reaction was “Oh,” and he looked quite pleased with himself. Sadly, his penis size made him think that that was all he needed in the sack and he became the worst lover I’d ever been with. I had to tell him that no, lying on your back with your enormous erection sticking out does not make you good in bed. It’s just like how being tall doesn’t make you Michael Jordan.

What is it with a lot of men who seem to be under the impression that a big member equals good sex? And since we’re on the topic, NO, swallowing does not have any health benefits nor does it have the power to make our skin smoother – stop lying to us and yourselves already! 

So let’s dive into all the smoke and mirrors and find out if penis size really matters.

Shoe size = penis size

via GIPHY

There’s a Latin saying, Ex pede Herculem, which means, “From his foot, (we can measure) Hercules.” I’m not sure if Pythagoras included Hercules’ schlong when he did the measurements because despite numerous studies, there have yet to be findings supporting the theory that links the size of a man’s feet to that of his penis. There appear to be, however, studies that indicate that a lower index to ring finger length ratio suggests a longer penis. Personally, breath health is the first thing I’d notice in a guy but hey, if you’re so inclined to spoil your surprise, you might want to skip the feet and scope out the fingers instead.

 

The bigger the penis, the bigger the pleasure

via GIPHY

Firstly, it must be established that girth and length are all a matter of personal preference. It’s like, dipping fries into ice cream – whatever rocks your boat, right? Truth bomb time: women don’t really care how big it is. Sometimes having a big one can be very uncomfortable for a snug vagina but most guys wont believe this. Why would they? All moans sound like pleasure to them and women NEVER fake it, right (haha)? The truth is, real factors that set women on the path to orgasms are (surprise, surprise!) clitoral stimulation and foreplay. If you want to get down and dirty, then guys, you’d better get down and dirty. 

 

Circumcised is better than uncircumcised

Image: Unsplash/ Scott Sanker

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So here’s the thing, there are some studies that suggest circumcision leads to reduced sensitivity of the penis which would mean less pleasure during sex, right? Well, not quite so. The fact is, most men who undergo circumcision do so at a young age and therefore can’t compare how sex feels with or without the foreskin. Even if were true, I’d bet my favourite pair of sneakers that the difference will not affect his performance. Most women I’ve spoken to though, (myself included) prefer their meat cut. Why, you ask? Let’s just say that in this case, tasting a clean peen is just the tip of the iceberg.

 

All penises are straight

Image: Unsplash/ Charles Deluvio

The first time I encountered a bent penis, I was very fascinated. My first thought was, will I break it? The good news is, the sex was good, we never ended a session in a hospital and all parties were happy. A slightly curved penis is totally normal and unless what greets you in his pants is akin to the shape of a banana – which could be a sign that its owner is suffering from Peyronie’s disease – strap on and enjoy the ride.

 

You can only contract STDs through penetration

Hearing this brings me back to my school days when girls comforted each other with words like, “Don’t worry, you’re still a virgin because his penis didn’t actually go IN.” Ah, those days of naivety and no stretch marks. If you didn’t know this already, bacteria in bodily fluids usually cause STDs. The exchanging of infected bodily fluids is what transmits an STD, and this is not limited to semen sailing into a vagina (or anus). Basically, if you put your mouth on a place that can eject infected fluid e.g. a penis, your chances of scoring an STD is also pretty high. By the way, you can even get an STD by sharing personal items like toothbrushes, towels and razors with an infected person. So…safe sex, anyone?

 

A condom reduces sensitivity

Obviously, a man must have come up with this untruth in the first place because it’s absolute hogwash. If a guy uses this argument (can it even be called one??) to persuade you to go bareback and you’re not keen on the idea, you can tell him to get out…and come back with thinner condoms. We are no longer in the 70’s, Toto, when there was only one type of condom. These days, rubbers are so thin to almost be membranous and they make just a teeny weeny difference on the sensitivity scale. Just make sure that the condom is the right size, and business can resume as usual.

 

All Asian penises are small 

via GIPHY

If you’re ever at a boring dinner party, ask this question and see what happens. Personally, I think that this debate should die a dull death already. I mean, are we in 1985? What I can tell you is that, while Asian men are not known to come up top in the list of longest penises in the world*, they do come in a wide variety of different sizes. And yes, some are pretty impressive. AZN pride!

To conclude, it doesn’t matter how the penis looks, it’s how it’s used. As the saying goes, it’s the singer, not the song.

But if you must know, the nationality that ranks with the longest schlong is the Ecuadorian